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*really wants a paid account on LJ* u.u All of those nice user pics... And you can customize your LJ... Le sigh. Too bad Christmas is over. I should've asked for a paid account for Christmas; you get the user pic add-on thing for free until the 31st. Curses. I'd actually been thinking about it before, but then I totally forgot to say anything. Curses again. Oh well. I'll just have to live with 15 pics (oh the humanity! D:).

Anyway... I feel like I've fucked up a lot of things. I don't even know where to start.

This thing with Turner; I've been thinking about it a lot, and I'm worried that it's turning out to be like Romeo and Juliet (NOT with the whole death thing; that doesn't have anything to do with it, unless Turner decides to kill himself for some reason). Okay, I wasn't going to elaborate, but I guess I will anyway. Last year when we read Romeo and Juliet, I remember Dutson said something and... I dunno, it just stuck with me. She said, "But they had to die. A love like Romeo and Juliet's wouldn't have survived. It was strong and real and true, but it would have faded had they lived and been together." That was basically it. You see what I'm saying? I've been starting to worry that I've made a horrible mistake; but the problem is, I don't know if this is really how I feel. I've been away from him for a while, even though he's so close, and that's really not fair. It also fucks with a lot of things. So I just don't know. I'm worried and scared. Do I expect anyone to be able to do anything about it? No. I'll depend on myself, as per usual.

Then there's Tim, too. He ends up in my thoughts a lot as well, but he's such a jerk off - and he doesn't even like me - that I don't know why. I'm worried that this is turning into a Mikan/Natsume thing (Gakuen Alice), where in the beginning they hated each other. When I first had this thought I was so disturbed that I had to jump into something else to avoid thinking about it anymore. It's very disturbing. And pisses me off.

Then there's the whole friends thing. Manda and I are okay, but not totally. I still feel like I'm being abandoned and I really don't think it's going to go away. I guess I'm just going to keep a shell around me from now on. There's also the thing with Betsy. I haven't noticed her hating on Manda (but I do believe Manda when she says that Betsy is - I don't see why she would lie about that, and that's just not how Manda operates) and I don't understand why she didn't go to the Christmas party. Really, Betsy and I aren't great buddy buddies. I'd like to be good friends with her, but we aren't as close as her and Kate are. At least, as close as I think they are. I guess I don't really know how close they are. *shrugs* And I don't buy that shit on how Betsy didn't come because Kate defends Manda. That may be true, but it isn't like I haven't defended her. When Betsy said Manda was irresponsible, I thought Betsy was just poking fun at Manda. It didn't seem like she was actually insulting her, but then afterwards Manda is like, "WTH why didn't you defend me rawr." *sighs* I don't even know. I hate dealing with people, but Betsy just seems really pure. Totally untainted by society. It's really amazing, actually. I wonder if anyone else can see it. Who knows.

Of course, there's also my plans for the future. Living on my own would be nice, but I don't know how well it would work. Really, it doesn't seem like it's going to happen. My parents are never going to go for it, no matter what I say. They'll think, "But why can't you do all of this here? Living with us?" But on an educational note (ha), I've thought of something. I've been thinking that I could use this last week before school starts again as a trial period. An experiment. I could set a goal for myself, like learn all about Hitler or WWII or Zimbabwe or American history or whatever. Maybe even have goals set for a few different subjects, like science and math and history. I guess for english I could just set a goal for writing essays or something. Then I can see how much I've learned by testing myself. Maybe by having an actual test or by just orally reciting my knowledge. Of course, I might need some help on this... I dunno. I can use tomorrow to figure it out too, since it is New Year's Eve. Anyway, what I'd like to do is go to Mountain Rose Academy. This girl that Daniel knows, she told me about it. She was (is?) a senior, and she graduated in five weeks. FIVE WEEKS. That's, I'd guesstimate, at around nine months earlier than everyone else. It's a charter school, and the best thing is you basically do it all yourself. She says you have to be really motivated and work hard, and you just earn the credits on your own. It sounds like you earn them at your own pace. Isn't that amazing? Gotta love charter schools. Especially since it's basically what I want. To just do it myself. So if I can do this trial for a week - and then maybe even keep it up longer, throughout the year - and show my parents I can be motivated and learn things on my own, then maybe they'll let me go to Mountain Rose. They have grades 9-12, so I could just finish up my last two years of high school in, going on what Daniel's friend did, about ten weeks. Now wouldn't THAT be something.

Love~

Squig

An Entry to End All Entries

I feel like just letting loose with a lot of stuff... Maybe it's because I'm under so much stress from the dreaded Finals Week. I dunno. Anyway, this will all probably be random, but it's stuff I need to say.

I love Alex. That's not enough to get us through a lot of things, but I'm willing to work on it with him. I just need to make sure that he knows what he's getting into. He's older, but I think he may have more growing up to do than I do. In some ways he's older than me, in others he's younger. And vice versa for me. I suppose that's just how relationships go.

I'm tired of friends. I feel so let down all the time. I don't have enough energy to put into a large group of friends. Manda likes the "Group", and they're okay, but I don't have enough energy for it. I don't have enough faith for it. I'm not brave enough for it. I'm too shy to really give myself to them. Most of all, I just don't want to. She can have them all and hang out with them; I'll just stay back. Hang with Betsy. She doesn't really do big crowds either. I love the girl, but I don't think we'll ever be as close as I am with Manda. Or maybe was.

We've both changed. She's been obsessing over RE and I just can't. It gets annoying when she continuously talks about it. If she keeps this up, I won't have anything to talk about with her anymore. My world has been opened up to some new things and people. I've stepped away from the computer, in a sense; Manda hasn't yet.

Sometimes I just feel like I want to be alone. Like I don't want to have any friends. I just want to be isolated. People are so exhausting.

I'll never get close to the Group. Kate - maybe I'm jealous of her; she's a very skilled writer and everyone just fawns over her. Even Manda's fallen for it. I like Kate, but there's still something about her that I just won't be able to get close too. I hope that she finds someone really good for her though; I think she needs that. Kayla... she's nice, but exhausting. Morganne - hmm. No. I don't really know the rest all that well. They're all nice, but none of them are a match for me. It's just Manda and Betsy, really.

But I don't know what's going on inside Manda's head. Or Turner's. They're both important to me, but I just don't know what to do. It feels like Manda's left me and I'm just kind of floating along. Turner... I just want to talk to him. I need to see him... We need to straighten things out. We haven't had a good talk in a long time.

My world just kinds of seems to be tumbling down a hill. I wish people would just let me do what I want; let me make my own decisions. Most of all, I wish a majority of all of these people would just leave me the hell alone.

I'm trying to change; there are some steps I'm going to take, but the first big one is this: I need a really good camera. A camera that costs thousand(s) of dollars. When will that camera come? God only knows. But I know that that camera will help me make big changes in my life.

A phrase popped up into my head a while ago, when I was down and thinking about things (which seems to be happening more and more lately). I was thinking about this dream camera and I thought, "I just want to be me; beautifully, amazingly, crystal-clear me." It keeps replaying in my head, as a reminder. I don't think I'll ever forget it.

Love~

Squig

P.S. If you say I'm depressed, I'll slit your throat. People have been treating me like I'm a walking time-bomb that's just going to slit my wrists at any second. Relax, people. I'm never going to commit suicide. Jeesh.

You make me smile, please stay for a while

So... I'm kind of dating Turner.

I know, I know. It sounds strange. Believe me, if I didn't know the full details of my real life and only knew whatever I posted in this journal, I'd be confused too.

Anyway.

...

x.x *cries*

I think I really do have relationship issues. I like Turner. I really do. But I get so nervous around him. I think I've almost fallen like three times in front of him today. I can't think of anything to say, or at least anything intelligent or interesting, so I feel like an idiot. Whenever I look up at him (and am close to him) I feel pressured to kiss him. I totally don't want to though.

Wait, that's not right.

I mean, I do want to kiss him, but I'm too afraid to. The only guy that I've actually kissed (like really kissed) was Chris. *nervous* I mean, I know suck. I talked to Turner about it. He gets it. I even think he said he sucks too... but I can't remember (I was a little tipsy). But... ;_;

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like... when I think about him, I want to spend time with him, but I get nervous for some reason. Jittery. Like, "Don't come near me," even though I want to be with him. Maybe it's all the touching. I like being touched, but I think if it's too much I get nervous. I feel pressured; trapped. I'm not sure. I'm just guessing.

u.u Sigh.

I wish I could talk to him about it, but the only times I wouldn't feel nervous about talking about it is when I'm drunk or half asleep. Too bad my journal can't tell him for me.

Nn. I have to go to the doctor's on Friday. Mum said she'll come get me during fourth period, so I won't even see Turner on Friday. ... Shit. I forgot we don't have lunch tomorrow. I was going to tell him... well, I guess it doesn't matter now. But I did just remember that I wanted to ask him if he wanted to go to Nightfall. Hm... Anyway, Turner said he was going to take me out to eat on Friday or something, which will be okay because I shouldn't be long at the doctor's. I don't even think he'll run any tests; the only reason he would is if he thinks I do have a problem that I need to go to the hospital that very same day for. Which shouldn't be the case. Of course, if he thinks I do have a problem, I'll have to have another doctor's appointment and that time they actually will test me. -.-' ... Anyway. That was a long doctor rant.

Back to Turner.

You know what I want? To just leave high school and live with him, on our own. I'm ready to be self supporting, and I'm done with high school drama. It's hard to have a real relationship in high school. Especially because all of the relationships in high school are fake. Well, not all of them. But most.

*sighs* Life. Confusing. Mess. Bleh.

Love~

Squig

D:

I like Tim. I like Turner.

WTF?

Turner's going out with Melinda again, but there seems to be some extraneous circumstances. Or not so extraneous. Anyway...

Manda isn't answering her phone so I don't know if she called Turner yet. I got mad at her earlier and told her not to text me unless it was important, so maybe she just doesn't have her phone with her. Which wouldn't make sense, but who knows. And I didn't really get mad at her, I guess I got mad at her parents. It's "my time of the month," so I guess I'm a little touchy.

Man this week has been crazy. Everything is just... gah. GAH! *squirms* *punches the wall* My period could NOT have come at a worse time. With all of this mess, there's no need for me to be emotionally unstable, too. -.-'

... GAH!

MANDA, ANSWER YOUR PHONE!

I guess it doesn't help that I'm also dying of boredom. I'm really mad at her parents. I know the only reason they didn't let her come over here is because my house isn't rigged with an alarm. I can go over to their house because we can be caged up like animals over there, but here we could leave whenever we want. But that doesn't stop MY parents from trusting me. -.- Jesus.

...

I hear the garage door. Mum and dad are home. I'm still bored. Manda needs to pick up her phone. I'm tempted to call Turner because I'm so bored and we still need to talk, but I won't.

G.A.H!

Frustration~

Squig

No Diet Mountain Dew in the Fridge D:

Hm. I haven't done any of my homework yet. *shrugs* But I don't really care.

Sigh. If Turner asks me out, I'm going to say no. We don't have anything in common and I'm 99.9% sure that all he wants is to have sex with me.

u.u

Screw Tim and Turner (not literally). Maybe I'm just not going to find a guy until I'm out of high school. *bangs head against the wall* Stupid, stupid, stupid...

...

On a random note, I like forensics. And psychology. Which reminds me, Manda (since I know you'll read this eventually), when we were deciding what classes to choose for freshman year and I said I was interested in psychology, you said I shouldn't take it because I'd go crazy or something. Turn psycho. O.o

I'm feeling bitchy and thinking about that makes me want to shoot you in the head...

Y'know, I really think I'm bipolar. I'm going to go look that up.

Love~

Squig

TIIIIIM!

*THINKS TIM IS INSANELY HOT IN A SUIT AND CAN'T STOP RANTING ABOUT IT AND THIS IS IN CAPS BECAUSE THIS IS HOW MUCH I FEEL LIKE SQUEEING JUST THINKING ABOUT HIM*

:D

Anyway.

Yeah.

Love~

Squig
(who feels like revamping all of the about me pages she has in online community things)
I feel like my problems don't matter to anyone. Anything going on in my life is downgraded to "you're-fed-and-clothed-and-you-get-what-you-want."

I feel stupid complaining about it. Everyone has worse problems than me. It just... feels like I suffer but never say anything. Like I'm all "Go team!" The supporter. The never say anything-er. Because whenever I do say something, it's about things that aren't important. A perfect example is when I'm really hurt, I won't say anything. But if I just get like someone accidentally stepping on my toe or something lame like that, I'll be like, "Owwwww!"

Why? I dunno. Anything major going on in my head never leaves my head. Sarah, complaining about her parents being divorced. She's never lived in fear that her dad is really going to hurt her. I doubt that she has EVER been in the car when someone who was drunk was driving. I doubt that Chelsea, in her perfect little world, didn't get to have a birthday party because her parents were low on money after her dad almost had her killed because he was driving drunk.

I've been the fucking good girl. I do what I'm told. I get good grades. And for what? For what?

I feel so separate from everyone else. I don't connect with anyone. Even Manda... I feel so far away from even her. I feel like I'm floating in space and I don't belong anywhere. I'm average. I'm invisible. And I don't want you to get near me. I don't let anyone near me, but I don't understand why. If there's a shield there, I don't know how to take it down. I don't even know why it's there.

... I miss Cheesa. Everyone else has pets. Hell, Manda gets a fucking new pet whenever she fucking wants, but where's my dog? Where's my girl? Where's something to help me get over the loss of the pet I've had my entire fucking life?

I guess that's something that bothers me. I hate when people talk about their pets, complain about the pet they want but can't get because they have like five dogs. But here I am, without my girl, practically my sister, and I'm left with nothing. It's not fair.

I guess this was all just random. I guess that no matter what I do I'm going to keep everyone out. No matter how close they think they get.

Huh.

That's funny.
Hannibal Lecter is amazing. So is Anthony Hopkins, but we're focusing on Hannibal now.

He totally inspires me to write about psychopaths. Their whole pathology is amazing. I can't help but love Hannibal and be fascinated with his mind. I want to meet a real sociopath. Doing something like criminal profiling would be interesting.

But enough about that. Back to the writing. I like the idea of writing about a "villain." Who needs a stereotypical good guy protagonist when I can have lovable baddie? Like Lelouch from Code Geass.

Of course, wanting one and making one are completely different things. I never create a character; they come to me. I just need to find a base story... Something with magicians would be interesting.

I just don't know...

Lose 20 Excess Pounds From Your Colon!

So, I just looked at my email, and there was a random piece of junk mail that said I could lose twenty excess pounds from my colon. Funny, I've never really been concerned about my colon.

I beat RE4 (again) and now I'm playing it for the third time. Now that I have the infinite rocket launcher and the Chicago typewriter (which has infinite ammo), I pretty much kick all Spanish parasite ass. I mean, seriously, you can't beat me. I breeze through everything. I haven't even gotten hit yet. People should kiss my feet and beg for mercy. And then I'll shoot them in the head.

Anyway, I'm feeling creative, which means I should get my lazy ass working on Manda's birthday presents. I forget what they are (I know there's a Transformers fic ((-.-')) and a story about us... so... uh... yeah), so I'll have to ask her.

In other news, Mock Trial is officially my favorite class. Turner is hilarious (albeit a little sick). All period he was doing random things (random sexual things) and saying things like, "We had a moment right there" and "Wanna fuck?" Okay, maybe that doesn't sound really funny, but he made it funny. He was just messing around anyway. It was basically like:

Turner: *does sexual things*
Catlin: *snickers*
Turner: I know you want me.
Catlin: xD No.
Turner: Mmhmm. Oh yeah.
Catlin: *rofl*

He's just funny like that. Oh, and another funny thing:

Turner: You guys should hook up. *points at Zach and Catlin*
Catlin: O.o ?
Tim: Brother and sister ((because Zach and I are are Hansel and Gretel))? That's some messed up Virginia stuff right there.
Catlin: xD

But other than that, Tim was just getting pissed off at Turner for doing all that sexual stuff. It was weird. I'll have to ask him about it tomorrow.

Anyway... I'm lazy. Bye.

Love~

Squig

Life sucks

Still pretty miserable. Manda was talking about going shopping tomorrow, but I'm still not up to it. And I still need to clean my room.

In other news, I've basically just been sitting around all day. Breezing through RE4 (again). It's so much easier now that my weapons kick ass right from the start. And it's REALLY easy now that I've bought the infinite rocket launcher. Salazar, the guy that drained me of everything I had after I fought him, went down after one hit with the infinite rocket launcher. *strokes the rocket launcher* I'm on the second disk now, and all I've got left is chapter five.

And now I'm watching Megaman, which is pretty cool. But I think my brain is slowly becoming mush. At least, it feels like it is. I think my whole body is slowly disintegrating.

x.x Nn.

But the crazy thing is, ideas for stories have been flooding into my head. Being sick has made my mind very creative. And painful. My head is pounding. -.-'

Coughs and sneezes,

Squig